loneliness …

a good thing says that we should accept being lonely … that we should understand that it’s a normal part of being human …

unless it’s part of why I want a relationship and soon … but i have always been lonely, as a child & certainly as a teenager, then as a mom of young children & then in unhappily married state, then with a new fella but once that honeymoon period abruptly ended its all back to square one …

so perhaps if I accepted being lonely … and just went with the flow … I accepted the buddhism view that we all suffer … that i didnt let it bother me … that really  i got to enjoy being with just i … i didnt need to fight no more to ok to be just with me !



innner critic 

silence your inner critic it says … little does this article know but, i don’t have an innner critic: i have the mother  ! 

she’s never been in my corner, in fact she’s the one throwing in the towel saying i can’t do anything right !

i passed my driving test, my degree, brought four babies into the world and survived ! i work have dogs and still have the kids !  and yet all she thinks i should do is have a spotless house so i can impress any new man that i may meet !

i wouldn’t mind but it’s always what other people think that means so much to her ! take when my sister was getting married i asked her to take my youngest in his buggy to his dad in the marriage room, whilst i waiting for the bride and her bridesmaid whom was my daughter to come down the stairs, but she said no ! what will people think ?

now i must admit if she was all tartied up with a miniskirt and high heels i could understand but she looked as she was: the mother of the bride ! so in the end my youngest was pushed to my then-husband by another guest (a sort of total stranger to me)

why do people criticise others ? do they all think the world is going to act just how they want them to ? i did read once that citicism of others was a show of low self-esteem !

i have a low self-esteem but i hope i have more patience & acceptance … but my lack of it of which i know was because of being brought up to not feeling good enough EVER ! but also going through abuse: which has left me with certain traits- such as i cry and cry when criticised or feel vunerable at work ! i can’t work out how to remedy this but i do know if i concentrate of my self-worth it is easier to believe in me !

at the moment one of the things i love is comedy and i intend to start using it more and more ! the new female michael macintyre is moi … tillie flossie … on stage tonight … at the grand opera house ! and whom shall be my main character

… oh i know … the mother !!


i always get what i want …

here i am sat reading on the settee feet in fluffy slippers … yes i like my comfort ! however all i can think about is the red leather boots i have bid for on ebay … only a few minutes to go and my life could change so much … i will look so good with my new choice of jeggings … yes i am one of those who live yet again for comfort and my legs will be warm and my feet all dry … come on spring is on its way and i really need these boots for all those showers we get in the uk !  

oh my life is so going to be good 🙃