mid 40’s …

Am I talking about how hot it is ? … I wish … I wish it summer !

couldn’t you just do with some sun ?


but sadly it’s not really spring here yet .. the buds are started to open lightly but its not really hot … perhaps today’s sun will be warm enough to sit out today … but its also easter (wont even mention how sad it is that once upon a time it meant so much & now its just a few days off work .. but thats totally my choice and i prefer it … love working christmas but spring/easter feels like getting ready for the summer … have cleaned out all the rubbish tipped into my summer house … and its all ready for me to go on my sofa in their and chill .. often not with a good book)  we have also got the start of the new financial which is also always on my birthday ..

well i guess it is just another birthday …  BUT it’s important to note that in five years time i will reach the big five-oh … what do i want to be doing then ? … driving my own little car going to work and having some kind of social life such as meeting the girls & going to classes at the gym & the like … the only thing that stops me doing all that is  down to one thing  .. ME !!

belief in me

this above quote i totally think is awesome .. sadly my chidhood fells like it was just about controlling me ..

i was thinking how when i was trying to be a teenager from a religious family growing up my first rebelling was to smoking … did i really put my health on the line to naff my parents off ? .. i can see it with teenagers now … how they think its ok to let wind go …

Just watching an episode of Benidorm where an old couple were talking about why they both hadn’t gone through with their holiday/wife swap … Does everything we do when are older depend on someone else ? Surely it’s better to be young and free or even just free ? i was brought up to be good so i would find a nice husband with a good job … what on earth ??

plus the things i got told about me – how ugly i was .. with my hair like that .. ridiculing me in front of friends & people at church  was not good for a sensitive child who would pray every night in bed that god please forgive me and i will try better tomorrow .. tomorrow i still got told off ..

but all that needs to have a love drawn under it

i can bhappi now

i can start to believe in me

i can decide what confidence i need

i can go out and find a life


i can 

 free to chose …

free to be …

free to feel  …

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.”
Jules Renard,


i would love to believe that life can be like a giant jar of sweets … we can chose to take one out & savour it

learn form our experiences and accept the lessons to become the person we want to be !

a friend did angel card reading for me over the internet this week

and the line that stuck with me was

not making a choice was keeping everything the same

i don’t want the same 

i want a life !!

sod what age i am !!